(Health) Impact and Explanation of Domestic Abuse

If you or anyone you know has ever had the misfortune of being in an abusive relationship, you know that the aftermath and lasting effects can be far different than anyone in that person's social sphere could have imagined. As a parent, you could have also been abused or demonized by the abuser, and be terribly confused and frightened when your child "mysteriously" decides to cut contact with you (under their abuser's instructions). As a friend, you might feel alienated, ignored, excluded or even unwanted and unloved by the person you once thought was your friend. But as the abuser, you experience not just the social effects and temperamental shifts from what your family and friends have been through, but the actual trauma and lasting stress that can stay with you and make a lasting impact on your life.

I know this may sound strange, and somewhat far-fetched, but there seems to be a way that abusive relationships create this sort of a bondage-type setting. There’s a sort of deep bonding that occurs when the abused/victim is a very caring and concerned person (which they usually are) who attempts to solve the problem of the abuse via attempting to fix/nurse their abuser to a clean state, essentially. The victim assumes that the abuse is occurring either because of their own behavior and not being good enough, or some designated depressing life story the abuser uses to justify their behavior. Usually the victim is in a state where they are emotionally vulnerable, as they are falling in love so the pain that occurs during that time is more forgivable and they are unlikely to know what their abuser is truly doing to them during that time, as they are assuming that their partner is falling in love just as they are, trusting that the front their abuser is putting up for them is truth. In essence, in the beginning stages, they are a normal person being blinded by love, experiencing the natural emotions and vulnerability that non-abusive do in order to form that lasting bond with that person. They want to believe in that love, but what they don’t yet realize is that their trust and vulnerability (which, notably, is completely normal for healthy relationships) is being taken advantage of.

“Now... for phase two!” 

The abuse tends to intensify in many stages that depend on how their partner is reacting. Once the abuser notices that their partner has become used to, or learns how to deal with that stage of abuse, they up the intensity to maintain their (artificial) control over their victim. The stages are usually some combination/cycle of:

1. Swooning and grooming their victim; harnessing them to pull them into their reality. This can entail telling their "sob-story" to feign for and eventually gain their affection and attention. At this point, they're also analyzing your personality, sizing you up and how you respond to different things.

2. Perfection. They will soon feign (pretend to be) your perfect match, doing the things they think you'll love based on your personality. Their goal is to get you to bond with them, and submit to them so that they will be able to have control over you. In a healthy relationship, one partner may do nice things for the other, but out of the actual love/care they have for them, not as a part of some sick plan. The abuser will also reinforce to you, verbally saying things that will root into your subconscious about how you two are a perfect match for each other, and that they finally feel like they've found the right person.

3. You'll notice that things start to move quickly and get sloppy. The romance, the integrating of lives. It may not even feel uncomfortable, but the victim will likely be able to realize at this point that they are in state of blind, honeymoonish love, enjoying it all, soaking it all in. It may even feel a little selfish for some people, who are especially insecure and feel undeserving, which can cause very detrimental feelings later on down the road, and hurt with certain family members and friends. Yes, believe it or not, there may be people who are jealous, as messed up as it sounds, but it's not a normal type of jealousy. It's a jealousy rooting in their insecurities that these particular friends and family members must overcome.

4. Once they're hooked, they're cooked. Well, not necessarily, but this is when things start getting bad. The victim is "hooked" on that love their in, the dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin releases, being with that person, feeling accepted by that person (even though it's all a disguise). Now, the abuser will start to push boundaries. They will test to see what and how much they can get away with. They will blatantly disrespect their victim. They will do things to upset them. They will ignore and alienate their victim, and then pretend they don't know what they did wrong. It's all a game. They like to see them get upset and frustrated. As sick as it sounds, the mechanism behind this is extremely predatory. It's the same reason dogs like squeaky toys. Dogs like the squeaking sounds it makes because it resembles "a kill", the sound of a small prey animal dying in their jaws.

5. As this continues, the coveting and jealousy intensifies. The abuser becomes Gollum and the victim The Ring to Rule Them All. The abuser will not want their victim to be around others, especially without them, because they will not have control over that situation. They also begin to take more and more control away from their victim's life. The underlying mechanism behind most of this is a quest for power in attempts to prove something, resolve insecurities, or for general personal gain. The abuser will also attempt to make their victim into something that will pride them, and make them look good. They will ensure this with threats, force, and fear that their victim remains in the shape they want them in, doing what they want them to do, and where they want them to be. Even when they're away, you're not because they've nailed down their victim's pattern.

6. Sometimes the victim will try to rebel against their abuser, which makes the abuser scramble to regain control over their victim again, and they will use whatever means necessary, which can often involve physical attacks and harm. As silly as it sounds, the victim will still be persuaded to stay because of how well the abuser talks to them, and eases their worry about things for the time being, assuring them it will never happen again. Anything awful that the abuser does is going to be deflected back onto the victim, once they've calmed them back down, and got them locked back into them again, or if not their victim, then something else. 

7. Like two drug addicts, the abuser can't get enough of causing their victim pain, and the victim can't get enough of trying to make their abuser happy. The abuser will want more and more of what they get from their victim, so they will cause the victim more and more pain until something happens to end the relationship for good. The victim usually stays as long as they do, mostly because their abuser has destroyed their perception of their lives, making them feel as though the only thing they could possibly ever do is live for their abuser. The abuser will also try to ensure that their victim doesn't escape with violence and threats, making them feel trapped, because they "need" them to hold up this reign of terror. Abuse victims will often go back to their abuser on average, 6-7 times, and this is out of fear and the fact that their emotional state and quality life has been essentially put into a state of ruin by their abuser. They may also still think they love their abuser, when they're really just in a state of severe hopelessness and beginning to experience the PTSD. The PTSD can be taken as a reason why they "need" to be back with their abuser. Each time they leave and get back together can get worse because of the additional jealousy and rage the abuser will feel from being "humiliated" by being dumped. They will be paranoid of who their victim has told, if anyone, what they've done, where they've been, and of course, who with. 

This is why it’s also very easy for the victim to have a hard time reconnecting with reality after they’ve been abused: they’re typically more wistful, dreamy, loving people who are open to experiences, naive to a lot of the darkness in this world, and living mentally in a place of harmony prior to the abuse. What their abuser does to them is give them a rude awakening that uproots the very foundation of their reality, so they have to relearn what is real and what isn’t. The severity of this varies depending on how much the abuser was able to manipulate their victim’s understanding of truth and the reality of situations, as well as their perspective and opinions, which would be dependent on how open the victim was to receiving their editions, whether through willingness, force or coercion. 

*~*~*~*~*

An Extra Note...

For fellow Christians, I’m going to say that a woman should not have to submit herself to a man who is violent. I think that the idea that abuse happens because a woman does not submit herself is not the case. A man does not have to use violence to ensure his woman’s submission. She must respect him enough to do that herself, else that is her issue. Also, if you want to know how a man should treat his woman, think about how Jesus would treat the church. He would care for it and love it, as violence would only cause destruction and be counterproductive.